Just to be brief, and I know sexuality isn't the same as gender, but for me, the two are pretty closely intertwined. I'm a man and I'm a gay man, which any reasonable person will tell you is miles away from being a straight woman.
As anyone who knows me knows, I've spent a good part of my life as, ostensibly, a dyke. It made sense: I was a girl, I had short hair, I was queer somehow, at least, and not averse to making out with girls. But I think Carey Mann hit the nail on the head when he described me as "the worst lesbian he'd ever met." I was pretty bad at it. I had one really pretty fantastic relationship, but otherwise it was a lot of stilted affection and profound awkwardness.
Anyway, today I think I realized that I really am for real gay. It's not that I don't like women, or even am not attracted to them. I am just so "bad with girls" that it's not often worth it to me to get through the neurotic ridiculousness that it would take to be in any kind of real relationship, or even casual dating situation. That, and I'm more romantically interested in, and less devastatingly neurotic around, men.
Case in point of my being bad with girls: So there's a barista at the natural food store across from my office. Let's call her Summer. She is, by all accounts, totally rad and totally hot, by my kind of standards: small, bespectacled, clothes in a anarchopunk meets mall punk style. She shaves the sides of her head and has the rest of her hair up in an elaborate Rapunzel bun on the top of her head. Even better, Summer makes possibly the best, most consistently tasty coffee in town and fucking constantly chats me up whenever I go in there. Like, seriously chats me up. Once she gave me a vegan coconut milkshake FOR FREE. When I wasn't even in the coffee section of the store. As in I was buying soap and she comes over and hands me a milkshake. She remembers my name and asks me things like "How's it going in Russell-land?"
If I were a reasonable human being I would ask her out like woah. Whenever I leave I always kind of kick myself and think, "Shit, she was totally fishing for a date. And she's clearly awesome. What the hell is wrong with me?" Just today I realized. It's because I'm a huge faggot. Maybe I'll ask if she wants to go shopping.
2 comments:
Yay for you blogging and starting T!
It's interesting to me that all the transmen I know well started out identifying as dykes and now are gay men. I don't quite understand this intersection of gender and sexuality--though the idea of knowing you are queer in some way makes sense. Since the school-type thing I study is (aside from poetry) gender and queer theory, I'm especially interested in this connection and any further musings you might have on it.
that sounded weirdly formal. mostly, i just wanted to say i like your blog.
-V.
Thanks! I think that's just it: the knowing you're queer, just not being entirely sure how. As oft maligned as lesbianism is, it's still generally more acceptable in most cirlces to say you're a lesbian than to say you're a transfag (and I've done both.) I'm sure I'll keep musing on this, as I can't help but talk about the nuances of my faggotry at almost any opportunity.
Good to have your readership!
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