Tranny for Money

Last night I performed as the local act with the Tranny Roadshow, a "trans person performance art extravaganza" that was coming through town. I played four songs: a Mag Fields cover that seemed especially pertinent, the always-a-hit Unicorn song, the Presidents song, and Party and Bullshit. It was the debut of Pegasissy with "male vocals," which was interesting and a little more frightening than I had anticipated. I found myself getting really nervous before the show, and involuntarily so. I'd practiced the Mag Fields song plenty, and was really excited to be singing it in the real live Stephin Merritt key, but I was nervous and I basically lost those few notes at the bottom. But people seemed to like it. I got a really good response for the Biggie cover, where I change all the n*ggas to faggots (or breeders, in the case of "when breeders wanna flex, who got the gat?) and bitches to butches and honeys to homos, but after that my set was over.

I realized that this is was the first time that I'd performed at a specifically trans event, or, really, any kind of explicitly queer event, or even (correct me if I'm wrong) with other overtly queer people, now that I think about it. I think I was a little disarmed by it. Everyone in the audience was there to see trans people perform, and EVERYONE IN THE ROOM KNEW I WAS TRANS, which I don't know, was a little frightening, or embarrassing. As I've said before, it's not because I'm ashamed of being trans or anything. It's nerve wracking enough to play a show in front of 150 people, but, I realized, the situation is kind of made psychically worse when the audience has a special interest in what your genitals look like, and is probably scrutinizing your chest for lumps.

I also got asked to play at Out/Loud, the UO's queer womyn music fest. It's kind of a last minute thing, but I guess I made such an impression that they just *have* to have me. I'm playing right before Bitch, of Bitch and Animal. I'm sure all my middle school dyke friends circa 2000 would shit their pants. I'm also playing at a queer neighborhood happening called A Gay In The Park in June,

I feel kind of odd about the timing of all this. Was I not queer enough before I transitioned? Do they just need a transfag to round out the bill? Not that I'm complaining; it will be totally wild to play in front of an actual audience on an actual stage (note to self: bring a flask and/or a couple of valium.) There's also the whole "Queer Womyn" thing. Apparently Out/Loud is for "queer women and allies of queer women's music," and I suppose I am the latter, though it hasn't been my scene in years. I've never really felt comfortable in queer women's spaces. When I was first coming out a bisexual with long hair and goth makeup, none of my older dyke friends were really taking me seriously. I remember a group of butch 17 year olds actually saying to me, "You'll never be a real dyke." Not that I am a real dyke, but maybe I'm still nursing the bruise of that first exclusion and dismissal. It's just funny to finally be enthusiastically invited into the queer womyn club now that I'm a man.