So many things to report, I'm sure. I'll start of with the physical, as usual, though there haven't been so many significant changes in the last month. Facial hair continues to march boldly onward. I look at pictures from a few months ago, and I notice how I've come to look more masculine about the face (regardless of any glitter) than I did then. My jaw is more square, etc.
I got my DUI out yesterday, after (TMI warning) three weeks of especially ridiculous cramps and constant blood. I had kind of a funny Planned Parenthood experience, as usual, in which the nurse practitioner asked me all sorts of fairly irrelevant questions (the ever popular "...so, bottom surgery?") and didn't know anything about the battle royale that is testosterone vs. hormonal birth control. I already feel a return to the sharpness of mind (not knocking the alternative) that I associate with my preferred T-heavy hormonal balance, which is nice and comforting. But perhaps expect a return to me muttering curses under my breath at cars.
I'm a little over a week away from my one year testosterone anniversary, so I feel I should put together some sort of State of the Union. Expect that in a week or so.
Once again, as is my apparently yearly tradition, I'm in an intellectual quandary about liking/being liked by women. I realize it's possible that anything I fret about to this extent isn't worth pursuing; I should just do what feels comfortable and leave it at that. On the one hand, I know I'm a faggot: I love men and I love being with men, and I love what it means to be man into men. When I am pursued by a woman I feel disoriented, if you will. On the other hand, this isn't to say I don't feel interested, or intrigued, or various other things one feels in a romantic/sexual situation--I just lose my bearings. I'm realizing this is especially true now that I'm a guy, and more-convincingly-a-guy to others. The concept of being involved with a straight woman baffles me--I never learned how to do it, and I generally disliked the girl/guy dynamic when I approached it from the other side. Am I expected to be the big spoon all the time? How am I supposed to initlate action without seeming like an invasive creep? Is it weird if I talk about faggoty shit? Do I even count as a faggot anymore? Am I just another dude? Is there anything terribly wrong with that?
I'm beginning to realize that I'm so fiercely (not in the Christian Siriano sense) faggoty because my ability to be a gay man has been so hard won (no pun intended.) There is a part of me, I admit, that feels like being gay--well, being "queer" in identity (as in having a varied and "radical" and decidedly non-hetero gender and presentation), yes, but "gay" in orientation, as in just into dating men--ties a nice little bow around my otherwise messy sex/gender life. Sometimes I get exhausted and sad trying to parse this all out, and declaring my orientation at the very least to be relatively simple makes me feel like I have some modicum of control, or even, dare I say, normalcy.
But then who am I to be so hung up on gender? Shouldn't I be open to women in the same way I would hope the boys I like would be open to trans men? Isn't a gender just a set of signifiers, and isn't there enough overlap of signifiers between genders as to render the specific label, at least in this case, a bit irrelevant? Can't I just buy into that old bi/pansexual maxim, "I fall in love with people"? Is it entirely necessary to consult a sociology textbook every time I get smiled at by someone who doesn't have a dick and a moustache, to use my friend Joey's phrase?
Who's to say. Clearly there's not a real answer to this nonsense, but this is what I've been thinking about lately. That, studying for the GREs, which are totally bilking my mellifluence.
3 comments:
I always like reading your blog, even if my comments are usually a bit GRORTURded, but this is post is especially good/thought provoking. It's hard to write about fuzzy and shifting attraction (or the undeniable attraction to fuzzy and shifty types) but you do it very well. Miss you, peeve.
Howdy,
I recently came across your blog, and its amazing! I found this blog through the tranny roadshow. I saw them a few years back at Antioch College, before it closed, and I was hoping to see them come to Seattle, but it seems Everett is their next stop.
Anyways, this post in particular is awesome. I identify as gender queer, and as with any queer identity, it comes with a ridiculous amount of questions. About myself, about who I want to share things with sexually, about what identities are involved with sex. I am female bodied, but rarely feel that way. I like to come off mostly as androgynous. But the question begs who will be attracted to me, and how will that persons gender expression make me feel. Mostly women are attracted to me, but I find myself ever wanting the men. I revel in the idea of being in a male-male partnership, but I lack the parts, and full appearance for that to happen. There is always something in the way. And those times are when I realize that I am female bodied the most. Because even though I come off as male frequently, there is always that part of me that could turn off my potential lovers. I guess my main point is that I have yet to find a good permanent place where the gender signifiers aren't still dominating my life, and getting at me, even when I feel comfortable.
And my secondary point is that you are amazing, please keep blogging and sharing with the world your thoughts. Because there aren't nearly enough people with the eloquence, and determination, to write whats real and hidden about gender. So thank you. :)
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